So Here's The Plan.

Life is funny. Interesting. Ironic at times. 

But God is always in control, always sovereign.

He always has a plan. 

I don't even know where to start today. So much on my heart. But I knew I just had to write. It's always been my outlet. So I apologize if I'm all over the place. 

Lately, I've been thinking about what it means to be content. What is that supposed to look like. From a worldly perspective, being content might go hand in hand with having things the way you want them. Like, you may not be content until a certain something has happened or has been attained.

That job. I'll be happy when I have that dream job. A house. Things will be better when I can buy a house. Or maybe even the newest Iphone. (Nothing wrong with that, I want it, too!). 

Whatever it may be, there is probably something you're longing for. Waiting for. Anticipating. And THEN you will be happy. 

But as believers, as Christ-followers, our happiness or joy or contentment is not in those things. (duh, right?) It's in Christ. Our joy is our salvation! Simple, right? 

Wrong. At least for me, anyway. When I was a brand new Christian, I had joy overflowing in my heart! What a sweet time to remember. Didn't matter what happened, I could sing the praises of our King from the rooftop! 

And then I'd get a little overwhelmed with life, but quickly bury myself in the Word and rest in that. Life is hard, but God is good. Amen. 

And life got harder. More pressure. More work. Can't afford school. Dating boys, and breaking up with boys. Heartbreak. Getting the power shut off at my apartment because I didn't have money to pay the bill. Still, I turned to God, but I could feel a little bitterness, maybe frustration. Okay, God. I've had enough. I trust you, ok? Okay. 

Anyway. (Told you I'd be all over the place.) The last 2 years have been CRAZY. Just wanted to emphasize that. It has driven me nuts. I had a plan. Did you hear me, God?? I said I had a plan!! Well, my plan definitely did not happen. And I'm so thankful for that. I'll try to give a quick run down, but don't count on it.

• After years of on and off dating, Jon and I got married June 2010. Okay, life will be better. He will finish school this year, he will find a job, I can quit work, we can buy a house, we can have kids. The dream. The plan. 
• So life goes on. Jon graduates, yay! Start looking for a job.
• We very unexpectedly find out we are pregnant. Woah. Not part of the plan. After the shock wears off, we are thrilled! Okay, adjust the plan a little.
• Our lease is almost up on our 1 bedroom apartment, so we plan to move within the complex to a 2 bedroom. Our good friends offered us their house for us to rent for a few months until Jon would no doubt find a job. (They had moved to St. Louis and were trying to sell their house, but figured they'd help us out.) Great! 
• We move in. Things go downhill quickly. I'll spare you the gory details, but it was ugly. And devastating. I'm talking lost friendships over this. They kicked us out after a month. Yes, ONE MONTH. We were at a loss. Lost all our deposits on our old apartment. Just gave our money to our friends for rent. No money. Nowhere to go. No job prospects. What now?
• Move to Dayton (where I'm from) and stay with family until we can save up money and get on our feet. Good to be around family with a baby on the way. We live with my mom. (long story, but not the ideal situation. Stressful. I'm working at Starbucks. Jon is working at Red Robin. Just not a happy time) But the plan....it's been rewritten. We can live in Dayton now. As soon as this passes, it'll be better.
• Finally move in to our own townhouse a month before Samuel is born. Yay!
• Samuel is born! Yay parenthood! I'm on maternity leave.
• Still can't afford rent. Not yay. Jon's parents gracefully help us out for a few months. 
• No youth pastor job prospects at all. Jon's been searching for a year. Hardly anyone even responds to him. This was supposed to be easy. Not the plan. What the heck. Stressed. It'll be better when he gets a job. Right?
• Jon's dad says he's found him a great job! In Wichita. Big move. We JUST moved to Dayton 6 months ago. But hey, a job is great! Not a youth pastor, but a job. YAY! Things are better, the plan is back in motion! We will have a great job, save up so much money, and buy a house and I won't have to work....are you listening, God?? 
• We are here in Wichita. Yay! And we wait for the job to start. And wait. And wait. And wait some more....2 months waiting. No job. Talk about frustrating.

And now here we are. Jon has actually started a different job than the one we actually came here for! Go figure. But it really is better. God knew. This job actually has room for promotion and the management sees that and wants that for him. It's part time, 35-39 hours but it will become full time. Great benefits when that comes. (No health insurance at the moment, so we are praying praying praying we stay healthy until then!) Awesome, normal hours are also a perk of this job. After working in restaurants and 3rd shift at hotels, first shift is amazing for Jon! 

So needless to say, it's been an emotional roller coaster. Jon and I used to joke that our lives were never boring. Hahaha. It's been not boring for quite some time.

As I was thinking about all that's happened and how we got here today, God pulled at my heart a little. I found myself asking why I was truly happy. Jon got the job. That's good, right? 

Of course it's good. But that job...any job...I was placing my security in it. I felt myself so restless until he secured the job. But then there were other things. I am a planner. I LOVE planning and being organized and having different colored pens for different appointments. I love folders and labels. When I can't plan or be organized, I get stressed! I feel helpless. Like I'm not in control. Because I was in control in the first place, right? Ha. So living at Jon's parents house is a huge blessing, absolutely can not thank them enough for putting up with us crazies! But sometimes it's hard knowing it's not OUR space. OUR house. I can't organize the way I want. I can't buy new things to decorate. (Man, does that sound selfish or what?)

This is not what either one of us planned. I'm pretty sure no one says their dream is to graduate, move 5 times, not have a job or have a crap job fresh outta college, have a baby somewhere in the middle, and then move in with their parents. With 2 crazy dogs. But this is our life right now; crazy, unorganized, not planned, stay-in-our-pajamas-most-days kinda life. 

And God is reminding me of my identity in Him and nothing else. I am a child of God. Daughter of the King. How awesome. No matter what else happens or changes, He is my one constant in life.

What would a blog update be without pictures?!

He makes this face at everything!

Oh, ya know, just watching football.

just so pitiful! 

Pictures!

This is just a bunch of pictures of Samuel and what he's been up to the past month or so!

 Love his big eyes.

Trying to figure out this cup.

At the doctor for his 6 month check up...a month late. Oops.

  

Figuring out how to eat those Puffs! (still no teeth!)

       

Memaw giving Samuel a strawberry bar....

And Memaw taking away a strawberry bar...

This is usually how I find him in the mornings.

One last trip to the pool before summer is over! 

Samuel loves to stand and loves

to make this face!

  

Learning how to use a spoon. Sort of. 

I suppose we are Sooners fans now :)

Sitting up so well and playing with the
basket that held his toys.

 He know how to eat those Puffs now!

Best buds.

Being silly!

 This is what happens when Mommy leaves the flash on!         

Peed on me!

                 

Perspective.

God's timing is perfect. 

(just needed to remind myself of that fact this morning)

And I love when God pulls at my heart and changes my perspective a little. 

I'll start by going back to May of this year. Samuel is a about 4 months old. The weather is nice, we are stir crazy and so are the dogs. So we head out to the dog park.

Little kids under 8 are not "allowed" in the dog park; I'm sure this is precautionary so they don't get in trouble if someone gets hurt. Well, Samuel is asleep anyway so I park myself on a bench while Jon heads in to play with Tibby and Bella. There are people coming and going, most of them stopping to peek in on my sleeping babe and mention how cute he is and whatnot. I'm used to it and really just hoping he doesn't wake up. 

This one woman in particular stands out to me and I'll tell you why in just a minute. Because at first, I thought she was just kinda weird and sharing way too much. 

She comes up and peeks in at Samuel, compliments me on my baby, asks how old he is and all the usual things. Then she says something that, at that time, I had no idea how much it would stick with me over the next few months; "You know, my husband and I tried for 15 years and we could never have kids. You are SO LUCKY."

For a fleeting moment, I could see the pain in her eyes. She then puts on a seemingly forced smile and walks away. "TMI," I thought. I don't know you, lady and you probably just shared your biggest heartache.  Now, that seems a bit harsh to think. I was probably sleep deprived and distracted, but it just didn't resonate with me.

All these months later though, I find myself thinking of that woman. When I'm crawling out of bed at 2 am because Samuel peed through his diaper and he wants to cuddle for an hour and I just want to go back to bed...I think about how this moment is one that she longed for. When Samuel smiles right at me and I just beam with joy...I think about how she will never experience that. When I am rocking my baby boy to sleep and he is so peaceful in my arms...I am overcome with happiness that God blessed us with our little miracle. Even as I am trying to update my blog for about the 3rd time today, Samuel just wants Mommy...

10 minutes later....

So. I think about this woman more often than I ever thought, and other women like her. Now, I know there is adoption and as a believer I do believe it is biblical and our Christian duty to adopt and care for orphans. However, women were created to have babies. (not just that, obviously, but hear me out). In a perfect world, there would be no problems. Over the past few months, Jon and I have heard countless stories of couples we know going through absolute heartache over miscarriages and infertility. And all these sweet, God-loving people want is to have children. My heart aches for them. I knew I always wanted to be a mother. I know what that desire feels like. 

But boy oh boy, I have no idea the sadness they feel knowing that they've lost a child or just can't conceive. 

Samuel was born before we planned to have children, but God had different plans for us. Yeah, maybe we wanted to wait a few more years. But even on our worst days, I can't imagine our life without Samuel. All of these stories that weigh heavy on my heart just make me oh so thankful that Samuel is healthy and here with us.

Even in Samuel's short, 7 month old life, God has changed MY life, my heart, and my perspective. 

Oh, hello.

So this is my first blog post. Never ever thought I'd start a blog! This will most likely just be updates on our little family and daily life..sometimes funny, sometimes serious, sometimes boring probably. But it's just us here. Talk to you soon!