Oh February.

Here are lots of pictures of our life the past few weeks!

Watching some Baby Einstein.

Trying to get into the fridge!

Sweet Tibby.

Bella Bean under the table.

Looking at all the snow! 

Showing me his muscles!

Mark using his toy ;)

Sweet husband cleaning my car off with a broom.

Tibby has spotted a Bella Bean!

Tibby loved digging for her ball.

Samuel watching the dogs play.

Our backyard.

Lots of icicles! And they got bigger!  

American Idol(s)

We are so blessed.

I just wanted to type that out so I can look at it, read it, and remind myself of that truth.

The bible study I am still doing (Stuck by Jennie Allen) has been kicking my butt...well, my heart and soul actually. It has been SO GOOD.
And hard.
And humbling.

I like the way the study is set up. It's not pages upon pages of reading and homework. Her questions are always based on scripture, but they are not just looking for an answer you can find right in the verse. They are more open-ended and introspective, forcing you to look deep into your heart and consider your motives, your thoughts, your decisions.

I like that a lot. I enjoy learning and digging deep into scripture as well, of course. But my heart needed this rejuvenation.

It's alarming to me how easy it is to slip slowly into sin. It's not always quite so obvious. Two weeks ago, our topic of study was idols. That typically made me think of false gods, literal idols (like statues), money...tangible things. Things that seem blatantly obvious that they are idols in our lives.

Well, I don't worship another God or money or people so I have no idols....right?


WRONG.

They were hiding deep in my heart, creeping out into my life while I hardly noticed:
anxiety.
fear
worry
trying to control & plan
wanting, yearning, needing a house
jealousy...

Not tangible things, but just as real and able to be idols in my life.

In Matthew 6, it tells us not to worry. God cares and plans for the birds and the flowers and the fields with such detail. WE are His children and He cares for us. WE were made in His image. Our life is so much more than clothes and food and the worries of tomorrow. God is already in our tomorrows.

My life is so much more than these strongholds in my heart. Why was I chasing things that were empty and unfulfilling? Would I really be content with more money/clothes/things? A job? A house? More kids? These are all good things. But they are not the most important things. If I place my hope and security in these things, and they disappear, I will be left hopeless and empty and yearning for more.

But my hope is in the Lord. If I look to Him first, He will provide all the things I need. He cares for me. Worry not. Fear not. My God is with me.

Amen.

Discontent.

"Love must be without hypocrisy. Detest evil; cling to what is good. Show family affection to one another with brotherly love. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lack diligence; be fervent in spirit; serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope; be patient in affliction, be persisten in prayer. Share with the saints in their needs; pursue hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. Be in agreement with one another. Do not be proud; instead, associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Try to do what is honorable in everyone's eyes. If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone. Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for His wrath. For it is written: Vengeance belongs to Me; I will repay, says the Lord.  Romans 12:9-19

Sometimes I know things in my head, but not my heart. What is in our hearts is our true self.

Our thoughts.

Our dreams.

Our plans.

Our desires.

Our secrets.


I didn't even realize how ugly my heart has been. I mean, I had thought about it. I would think, "I shouldn't be feeling this way, /thinking this way/ doing this." 

But that was the extent of it. I did nothing about it. So it settled in my heart.


I am doing this bible study called Stuck by Jennie Allen. That is exactly how I have felt lately.

Just stuck.

Last week, the topic of study was mad. During the week, I was thinking, "Yeah, sure, I have been mad." It was a good study. It made me reevaluate my attitude. Okay, good.

This week, the topic was discontent.

Oh boy. I could feel my heart fluttering before I even started reading the next sentence.

You see, I knew in my head that I was discontent. But I refused to let that knowledge seep into my heart because I knew I would be convicted. The Lord would break me down...break my evil, jealous, prideful, selfish, lonely, discontent heart into a million pieces.

But He will put it back together. I knew this, too.

I was afraid of the pruning that would take place. It is painful. It is necessary. And it is good.


God is good.